Holy Mother of Love Triangles!
by Heuress
Summary: Gilbert vehemently denies that he has any feelings for Elizaveta whatsoever, despite his obvious attraction to her. It takes a while, but his friends make him see the light and he confesses to Elizaveta in the most profound way. The problem? She's already got a boyfriend, and she's not willing to let him go. What will become of this? AusHun, PruHun, PruAus love triangle. Crack-ish.


**A/N: Hello, fellow fanfiction-ers! Just wanted to say that this is kind of a crackish!fic, but not exactly full-on-crack. Well, it'll be cracky most of the time. This story will contain AusHun, PruHun and PruAus, however that's all the pairings that I really have planned for right now. As the story will be mostly focused on them (and the Bad Touch Trio), I haven't given any thought to other pairings. If anyone has any suggestions, I'll be happy to hear them. Now, this is a high school AU, but at this point in the story, it's the summer holiday. This story will have a lot of nonsensical content, and tons of BTT, so be warned. The first chapter is, admittedly, pretty bad. I'm a total amateur when it comes to writing stories, so any kind of feedback you may have would be much appreciated. Constructive criticism is always welcome, but please don't flame. Also, the characters may be a bit OOC in this chapter. Just a warning. Brace yourselves for ridiculousness and over-the-top bs.**

**Disclaimer- I do not own Hetalia.**

* * *

**Chapter One- In Denial**

It was a warm, sunny day and a trio of troublemakers were currently enjoying the weather, with two thirds of the trio basking in the sunlight while the final member remained in the shade of a large, willow tree. He preferred the coolness that the shadows provided in comparison to the immense heat that the sun radiated. He let out a relaxed and contented sigh, for once not being filled with the energy nor the mischief to stir up some trouble. His eyes of crimson watched his two best friends chatting up everyone that walked by. At any other time, he would've gladly joined them, but right now, he was just not up to it.

Now, one might say that Gilbert was just being lazy; one would be wrong, and clearly not awesome enough to realise that he wasn't lazy. He was the best, fittest person in the world, thank-you very much. Actually, he was the best in the world, period. No one even came close to his level of unrivaled awesomeness. Gilbert also never did nothing- he was always doing something, usually something so awesome that it would blow your mind. While it might have looked like he was simply taking a nap, he was actually doing something much more- well, awesome.

He was currently gawking at a sexy, albeit slightly terrifying (not that he would ever admit it) monster. Her long, light brown hair flowed down her back and was adorned with three yellow flowers just above her ears. Her glowing, light green eyes were wide and accentuated by her long lashes. She wore a rather simple, plain white, knee-length dress that Gilbert would have immediately deemed ugly had she not been wearing it. She looked so happy, so beautiful, as she explained something to that _stupid, unawesome _dweeb.

Gilbert scowled. What the hell was that nancy-boy doing around her? He could see in her eyes that she held a fondness unparalleled for that pompous gay dork. Couldn't she see that he was obviously not interested in her? You could easily tell by the snobbish (*cough* gay *cough*) clothes that he wore that he was not the slightest bit interested in girls. How did Gilbert know this? Because he was awesome and he knew everything.

Gilbert drew his eyes away from that abomination to continue admiring Elizaveta. He saw her laugh at something that Roderich said (how could anything _he _said be even remotely funny?) and purposely avoided looking at the pompous prick, lest he start another anti-Roderich spew. His red eyes remained fixed on Elizaveta, lingering for longer than necessary on her buttocks. Man, she was so hot... she was a total bitch, yeah, but she was hot.

Gilbert shook his head, forcing himself to avert his eyes and gaze at the girls (and boys) that Francis and Antonio were currently entertaining. He quickly grew bored of watching them flirt and found himself staring at Elizaveta again. Why was he staring at her? Because she had a hot bod. Duh. He was in no way attracted to that she-devil.

"Come join us, Gil!" Antonio called out cheerily from his position, beaming at the red-eyed albino and snapping Gilbert out of his reverie.

"Nah," Gilbert replied, not bothering to look at him, "I'm busy."

Antonio raised a curious eyebrow, following his friend's line of sight. When he saw what Gilbert was so preoccupied with, his facial expression morphed into one of understanding, "Ah, I see." he excused himself and walked towards Gilbert, plopping down next to him, "Someone's got a crush." he teased.

Gilbert snorted, "Don't be stupid Tonio, I'm too amazing to get crushes. Besides, who could ever have a crush on _her_?"

Antonio flashed him a wolfish grin, "I wasn't talking about Elizaveta."

Gilbirt turned to face him with an expression that seemed mixed between mortified and furious, "_Was zum teufel hast du gerade gesagt?!_"

Antonio raised his hands in a placating manner, "I was just joking, mi amigo. Don't kill me with your German-ness. You really need to stop taking things so seriously."

Gilbert scoffed, "I don't take things seriously. You're just being an asshole."

Antonio chuckled, turning his head to face Elizaveta. They watched her in silence before Antonio suggested, "You should go talk to her."

"Are you crazy?!" Gilbert demanded, "Why the hell would I want to do that?"

"Why else?" at Gilbert's questioning look, Antonio elaborated, "Because you _love_ her- AÏE!"

Gilbert had whacked the back of the Spaniard's head none-too-gently. Antonio's hands shot up to his head, rubbing the spot that Gilbert had slapped, "Dios mio, you didn't need to hit me!"

"You deserved it; you were being a total unawesome ass." Gilbert looked away from the pouting Spaniard.

"You should heed my words, Gil, for they are wise," Antonio continued massaging the back of his head, "You should definitely talk to her."

Gilbert shot him an incredulous look, "Do you want another slap?"

"Of course not. But look at you," Antonio smiled at him, "you're completely smitten with her!"

"Smitten? I am not smitten with anybody! Nobody is awesome enough for me to be _smitten _with!" Gilbert claimed heatedly, looking back at Elizaveta, "Also, she is incredibly annoying. Like mein Gott, she's so bossy... undt she never shuts up!"

Antonio suppressed an eye roll, "She's not that bad. She's actually pretty nice."

Gilbert whirled around in shock, "Pretty nice? _Pretty nice? _Have you gone insane, Tonio?!"

Antonio shrugged, "Maybe. But at least I know when two people are in love."

Gilbert did not fail to notice Antonio's slip-up.

"Two people?"

"Yes. Them." Antonio inclined his head in Elizaveta and Roderich's direction.

Gilbert's eyes narrowed into slits, "What has _he _got to do with anything?!"

"He's her lover-" Gilbert punched Antonio's forearm, "-AÏE!"

"He's not her lover," Gilbert snarled, "Elizaveta would never fall for such a prude."

At Antonio's smug look, Gilbert added, "Not like I care if she did though. Those two are both losers; they'd make an unawesome couple."

"And you and Elizaveta wouldn't?"

"Of course not! I could never be in an unawesome relationship!" Gilbert explained. Then he seemed to realise what he was saying, "And I would never be in a relationship with anyone zat annoying!"

Antonio rolled his eyes before turning his attention on what lay in front of them. He scanned the area for the final member of their little trio, who he knew would back him up. Antonio then spotted the familiar wavy golden hair gleaming in the sunlight like a shining beacon. Francis was currently surrounded by a gaggle of girls (and one guy), who were gushing over his irresistable charms.

"OI! FRANCIS!" Antonio yelled at the Frenchman, who craned his head in their direction.

"What are you doing?!" Gilbert demanded but Antonio ignored him, continuing to shout at Francis, "Get your butt over here!"

Francis shot him a look that clearly asked 'why?'. Antonio couldn't blame him; the preacher of love was practically engulfed by fangirls, and simply lavished in their attention. Why would he ever want to leave them?

"Gilbert's got a cru-!"

A hand slapped over Antonio's mouth in a vain effort to stop him, but it was too late; the damage had already been done. Francis had, unsurprisingly, realised what Antonio was about to say and grinned like the devil himself. Gilbert suppressed a groan; no doubt he'd be nagged into admitting something that wasn't true.

Francis politely excused himself and made his way towards them with hurried footsteps. When he reached Antonio and Gilbert, he leaned against the tree and slid down on Gilbert's other side.

"Hon hon," the Frenchman started, "what's zis about a crush?"

"It's not a crush!" Gilbert snapped, "I don't have any stupid attraction to anyone! Tonio's just bullshitting."

Francis turned his pointed gaze to Antonio, who sighed, "Gil's smitten with Elizaveta."

Francis smirked at Gilbert, "How adorable. You're finally growing up."

"Shut up! I don't have some silly little crush, alright?"

"Oh, he's lying; I caught him staring at Elizaveta and Roderich."

Francis's smirk widened, "Are you sure he just doesn't have a crush on Roderich?" he teased.

Antonio barely contained his laughter as Gilbert practically exploded, "HOW DARE YOU SPEW SUCH FILTHY WORDS!?"

"Awww," Francis crooned, "I think 'e is embarrassed!"

Antonio suppressed a snigger, "He looks as red as a tomato!"

"Zat's not fucking funny, you losers!"

The Frenchman and the Spaniard burst out laughing uncontrollably.

"Stop it!" Gilbert commanded, "Stop zat now! As your awesome leader, I order you to shut up!"

"Leader?" Francis and Antonio echoed simultaneously, regaining control of their laughter, "You aren't the leader!"

"Of course I am!" Gilbert snapped, "Why would you even say such a thing?"

"Mon ami, I'm afraid you have been sorely mislead," Francis drawled lazily, "It iz so obvious that the only one here with a brain and sexy good looks is _moi_- zerefore, I am ze one in charge."

"You?" Antonio exclaimed incredulously while Gilbert merely stared at the Frenchman in shock, "Please! Not to offend, mi amigo, but I am the boss of this group!"

"Hah!" Gilbert and Francis reacted in unison, "You could never be ze leader! I'm ze leader!" Francis and Gilbert whipped their heads around to glare at each other, "No, I am! I AM, I AM, I AM, I AM, I AM!"

"What are you fucking idiots doing?" a new voice entered the fray.

Francis and Gilbert ignored it, continuing their argument.

Antonio beamed, "Lovi! We're just trying to figure out who's the leader of the group-"

"I'M THE LEADER!"

"-want to join us?"

Lovino eyed them with disdain, "Why the fock would I want-a to do that?"

"Aww, don't be like that!"

"You're all a bunch-a stupid idiotos. Keep your fucking voice-a down, morons." And with that being said, Lovino walked away in disgust. Antonio pouted after him, but soon his attention was drawn back to his two rowdy friends.

"You're not awesome enough to be ze leader!"

"You're not handsome enough to be ze leader!"

"Fuck you, I'm super handsome!"

"For a toad, maybe!"

"Says ze frog!"

"Bastard, you told me you'd never call me zat!"

"I LIED!"

"Fuck you, only unawesome people lie!"  
"Fuck you, what would you know about awesomeness?!"

"Fuck you, more than you!"

"Fuck you, you know NOZING!"

"Fuck you-"

"OI!" Antonio interjected, "Cease-fire, guys. This argument is pointless." Gilbert and Francis looked as though they were about to argue, but Antonio added, "Because we all know who's actually the boss."

Francis and Gilbert waited with baited breath for Antonio's answer.

"Come on guys, it's pretty obvious..."

Gilbert and Francis just blinked.

"It's me!" Antonio chirped.

"I FUCKING KNEW IT!"

"I knew 'e would say zat!"

"You owe me fifty bucks, Franny!"

"What ze fuck?!

Before Antonio could interrupt, Gilbert screeched, "He's not the legitimate leader!"

"Neizer are you, hehn."

"Shut up, Franny!"

Francis was about to retaliate when Antonio blurted out, "Guys, stop! I know a way we can work this out!"

Francis' eyes lit up, "A challenge!"

"A duel!" Gilbert chimed.

"A dare!"

"A fight!" Gilbert pumped his fist before giving his friends a dangerous look, "Which one of you pansies is ready to get destroyed!?"

"That isn't what I meant guys! Let's just say that I'm the boss," before Antonio could be interrupted, he added pointedly at Gilbert, "you're the leader," then he looked at Francis, "and you're the... erm... master?"

The Frenchman and the German stared at him. Then, Francis broke the silence, "I can live with zat."

"No fair!" Gilbert complained in a totally-not-at-all-whiny voice, "I want to be ze master!"

"Too late, I'm ze master!"

"No, I am!"

"I am!"

"I am!"

"I am!"

"I am!"

"I am!"

"I am!"

Antonio sighed as he slumped back against the tree, trying (and failing) to tune out the sounds of Francis and Gilbert yelling "I AM, I AM, I AM, I AM!" at each other.

"Someone who eats snails can't be ze master!" Gilbert shouted.  
Francis shot back, "Someone who dresses like you can't be ze master!"

"Vat's so wrong about how I dress? I look fabulous!"

"You wish!"

"Vhy must you be so inconsiderate of other people's feelings?!"

"I wasn't aware you had feelings!"

"I don't, I'm too awesome for zat! I'm just saying you're inconsiderate!"

"_Moi!?_"

"Yah!"

Antonio watched them argue back and forth, wondering if he'd ever recover from the ear damage that he had most likely endured. Having long since grown tired of this old argument (no matter what the other two said, he knew that he was the one true leader), he decided to redirect their attention, "HEY! Let's get back to gossiping about Gilbert's crush!"

Well, that shut the albino up. At least, for a while.

"Gossiping?" he echoed, "Mein Gott, you're such a girl!"

"Ah, and you love a girl." Francis said slyly.

"I DO NOT! _Scheiß- blödmann_! I don't love anyone!" Gilbert cursed, his eyes whizzing about before fixing on Francis, "And keep your damn voice down!"

Francis merely smirked.

"Come one, is not so bad," Antonio said seriously, "it's pretty cute."

"You calling me cute, Tonio?"

"If you admit that you have feelings for Elizaveta... then sure."

Gilbert huffed, "You two are such unawesome losers! Why not talk about your own pansy crushes?"

"I don't have a crush." Antonio denied instantly.

Francis sighed. No point in denying it, "I am afraid that I am passed that stage- I fear I am in love."

"HA! I KNEW IT!"

Antonio's eyes widened, "Really? Who do you love, Francis?"

"I love _**everyone**_, of course!" Francis winked.

"I FUCKING KNEW IT!"

Antonio looked disappointed with that answer, "Oh. I thought you were being serious."

"I am- love is to be shared, no?"

"HA! Franny's a fucksexual!"

"That's insulting!" Francis exclaimed, hand dramatically placed over his heart.

Antonio frowned, "No, I think he's just a bisexual."

"Er... unawesome lovesexual?" Gilbert guessed.

"Actually, I'd say he's an omnisexual..."

Gilbert snapped his fingers, "A Francis-sexual!"

"A pansexual, maybe..."

Francis smiled, "Well, whatever I am, I know what Gilly is-"

"NO! Don't you dare say it, you sonova-!"

"- an Elizaveta-sexual." the perverted Frenchman finished.

"GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT!"

Antonio looked intently at Gilbert's face and hummed, "It's so amusing when an albino blushes..."

Gilbert struggled to suppress the urge to hit him.

"Especially when it's because he's in love..."

"A crush is hardly love, Francis." Antonio pointed out.

"But it can evolve and blossom into what is known as love. Just picture it, Toni," Francis paused, lost in a day dream, "Gilbert and Elizaveta going on romantic strolls at night-"

"That's just disgusting!" Gilbert exclaimed, wrinkling his nose.

"-eating at fancy restaurants, resisting the urge to make sweet, sweet love on the table-"

"You are fucking sick, you know that?"

"-failing to resist said urge and engaging in sexual activities-"

"-bathing together in a crate as they feed each other juicy, plump tomatoes." Antonio chimed in.

"Bathing in a crate? How the fuck would that even-"

"Getting married." Francis sighed wistfully.

"That would never happen, stop talking crazy!" Gilbert snapped.

Antonio's eyes began to water in delight, "Having children-"

"THAT'S IT!" Gilbert stood up abruptly, "I have had enough of zis abuse! I declare our unawesome friendship OVER! You two imbeciles," he pointed an accusatory finger at them, "have crossed ze line for ze last time! You're now at ze bottom of the awesome list- no, you're so unawesome that you're not even on ze list! Consider yourselves unlisted!" with that, the albino stalked off.

"No wait, Gil, come back!" Antonio called out, his hand outstretched in a desperate attempt to stop him. "We didn't mean it!"

Francis stared at Gilbert in amusement and exclaimed dramatically, "We were just fucking with your mind! Don't go, we love you!"

When the albino merely stuck his nose up in the air and continued on his way, his two (ex) friends got up and chased after him. Gilbert glanced back out of the corner of his eyes and when he noticed his so-called friends running towards him, he promptly streaked away, his eyes locked on the two figures that were hot on his tail.

"Don't run, come back!"

"We just want to love you!"

Gilbert continued running away until- BAM! He collided with something and tumbled down on his back, letting out a surprised little yelp as whatever he had bumped into staggered backwards. Gilbert's eyes rolled up and he could see Francis and Antonio coming to a stop, Francis wearing that stupid smirk of his and Antonio covering his mouth with his hand, desperately trying to stifle his laughter. He was about to lash out at them when a voice brought his attention elsewhere.

"Watch where you're going!"

Gilbert looked up to see a certain Austrian boy rubbing the back of his head, his books scattered around him on the ground. His glasses were slightly askew, but other than that, he appeared to be fine. Gilbert instantly shot up.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he couldn't help but snarl.

Roderich raised an eyebrow, "It's a public place."

"Don't act smart with me, dumbass!"

Roderich merely stared at him. Gilbert glared back.

"What were you doing with Elizaveta?" he demanded before he could stop himself.

"I hardly see how that's any business of yours." Roderich used a forefinger to push his glasses further up the bridge of his nose.

"Everything's my business!"

Roderich bent down to pick up his books, ignoring Gilbert's little comment. He stacked them up in a pile, purposely tuning out Gilbert's annoying voice. He reached a hand out to grab the last book when a foot suddenly swung forwards and kicked it away. Roderich paused.

He looked up at Gilbert, then back down again, deciding to ignore the self-righteous albino. It wasn't worth losing his temper over. So Roderich once again outstretched a hand, and once again the book was kicked away. Roderich scowled, "Stop it."  
Gilbert smirked, but for once didn't spew a snide insult at his rival. Instead, he stretched his right foot out to push the book further away.

Roderich stared at him through half-lidded eyes, unamusement drawn all over his features. "Leave it."

"Kesesesese." Gilbert snickered, not paying any attention to the warning tone in Roderich's voice.

"Stop it." Roderich ordered as Gilbert released a totally manly giggle, "You're acting like a child!"

Gilbert stuck his tongue out and slid his foot under the book before flicking it up. The book flew up in the air and landed ungracefully on the grass. The book was spread out flat against the ground, its pages bent.

This made Roderich completely lose his cool, "You idiot! That's a library book!"

"So?" Gilbert leaned forwards to read the title, "What the fuck is this unawesome shit anyway?"

"It is not 'unawesome shit'," Roderich answered heatedly, standing upright, "It's a very interesting book and I'd very much appreciate it if you would STOP KICKING IT AROUND!" Roderich shouted the last few words just as Gilbert continued kicking the book.

Roderich reached out to save the book from further damage, but Gilbert snatched it in the nick of time.

"_The Lives Of The Great Composers_," Gilbert read the title incredulously before his eyes flickered in Roderich's direction, "What is this bullshit?" he was sorely tempted to throw the book away, and he probably would have had it not been for the satisfying look of pure horror etched on Roderich's face.

"Give it back." Roderich commanded, outstretching his hand for the book. Gilbert scoffed. Roderich must be even more of an idiot than he looked if he thought that Gilbert was simply going to hand the book over.

"No vay! I'm keeping this unawesome shit."

Roderich's eyes narrowed into slits, "It's not yours to keep."

"Don't vorry, I'll give it back to the stupid library once I'm finished." Gilbert assured.

Roderich was visibly struggling to reign in his mounting anger, and Gilbert simply relished in that. "I'm going to ask you one more time," the Austrian took a step forward, "give that book back or I'll be forced to take it from you."

This amused Gilbert greatly, "Oh?" he cooed, "How adorable! Come and get it then."

That was all that Roderich needed to launch at him. Gilbert dodged out of the way and ran for it. As much as he would've loved pounding Roderich's ugly face into the ground, he wanted to see the unawesome loser pant and wheeze as he tried to get his _darling _book back.

Unfortunately though, Roderich was faster than Gilbert had anticipated. He tackled the self-obsessed albino and the two tumbled down, rolling over the grass. Many heads turned in their direction, but the two boys ignored it as they started to fight physically. They threw punches wherever they could, but it was all too easy for Gilbert; Roderich was no match for him. The two rivals wrestled, Roderich slightly struggling to get the upper hand.

Just when Gilbert was starting to have fun, a loud thwack to the back of the head made him pause in stunned disbelief. This left him completely open and Roderich took his chance; he shoved Gilbert down and pinned his arms over his head. Roderich was about to pummel Gilbert for stealing his book, pulling his fist back to punch Gilbert's face when a hand shot out and grabbed his wrist.

Roderich's eyes trailed up the person's arm and was surprised to find Elizaveta staring down at him in disapproval.

"Eliza..." Roderich started, but Elizaveta shook her head, effectively cutting him off.

"Don't, Roderich. Just leave him."

Roderich glanced down at Gilbert and nodded, slowly sliding off of Gilbert's body and standing up. Elizaveta looked down at Gilbert in disgust, Roderich mirroring her expression. Gilbert groaned, rubbing his head as he propped his elbows up. He froze when he saw Elizaveta, although his shock wore off quickly and his face split into a cocky grin.

"Ah, Liza. How nice of you to come see me. Couldn't resist my gorgeous face, could you?"

Elizaveta shot him a death squint, "You flatter yourself, Beilshmidt."

Gilbert shrugged with one shoulder, "Maybe."

Elizaveta threw him one last look of pure disdain before glancing at Roderich, "Shall we go?"

"Wait," Roderich went to grab his book, but Gilbert kicked it away. Roderich and Elizaveta shot him identical glares of hatred and Gilbert merely cackled. "You're such a child." Roderich said as he brushed past him, swiping his book from the ground.

"D'aww, thanks Roddy!"

"Let's go." Roderich said, grasping Elizaveta's hand. Gilbert immediately stopped laughing and all traces of amusement were wiped from his face.

"Let's." Elizaveta agreed, giving Roderich's hand a squeeze. Gilbert didn't fail to notice that the two were holding hands, and he wasn't sure if he approved of this or not.

"Hey!" he called out, watching as the two started walking away, "Where- what- stop holding hands!" he blurted out, regretting it not a second later.

Elizaveta stopped, turning her head around to face Gilbert with an unamused expression, "Why?"

Gilbert felt heat rising up in his neck and he loosened his collar slightly, "Because it's unawesome and- and super lame!"

Elizaveta rolled her eyes and turned back to face forwards. Gilbert saw Roderich mutter something and Elizaveta craned her neck up to whisper something in his ear. The albino's eyes narrowed dangerously. His chest rose and fell, repeating the action as he struggled not to panic. But why would he panic? This was just ridiculous. Those two could stay together forever and he still wouldn't give a shit! They could get married and have a bunch of posh, ugly kids for all he cared! Roderich's kids would probably all look as hideous as him, and be as mean and cruel as Elizaveta. Gilbert clenched his fists. He could not let that happen! He would not and could not stand idly by as Roderich and Elizaveta's future kids wreaked untold havoc. That was for **him **to do! The fate of the world depended on him breaking those shitheads up!

Getting up as quickly as possible, Gilbert raced after Roderich and Elizaveta, all the while yelling at them to stop. He wasn't aware of the two pairs of curious eyes that regarded him in amusement.

"Think he's jealous?" Antonio asked, although he already knew the answer to his question.

"Oh yeah," Francis' eyes followed Gilbert as he ran after the Hungarian and the Austrian, "he's definitely jealous."

**A/N: That was an awful chapter. The story's just getting started though, and I've got quite a lot planned. The BTT acted rather childish in this, and I'm really not sure if they were OOC or not. Here are the translations:**

_**Was zum teufel hast du gerade gesagt? – What the hell did you just say?**_

_**Scheiß- blödmann – Fucking dumbass**_

_**Mein Gott - My God**_

_**undt - and**_

_**Mon ami - My friend**_

_**Moi - me**_

**I think that's all that needed translated. If anyone's interested in reading more, then I'll gladly continue. As I said before, constructive criticism is welcome, as is any kind of feedback (with the exception of flames).**


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